I swore I would give up caffeine, and I did, for awhile. Then once field work started up again, my resolve for not drinking caffeine eventually ebbed. Drive around for 10 hours a day without caffeine, or risk feeling a little jittery while at least being awake behind the wheel? The choice was obvious.
I had a lot of caffeine today and it was a stupid choice, because of course, I feel completely jittery and nervous. I have more field work this week and possibly next. One of these jobs requires waking up at 4:30 in the morning, driving to another location that is 3.5 hours away, and then driving back the same day. Caffeine will be my best friend that day. Realistically, I cannot give up caffeine until these field jobs are completed.
But it’s clear that I need to cut out caffeine from my diet, as well as sugar. I’ve been downing soda like a fiend, in rebellion to my endocrinologist’s strict lecture last month that I’m well on my way to diabetes at 40 if I do not cut out sugar from my diet. I know it’s immature, but my body has been like GIMME. I LOVE SPRITE. YAY.
The level of worry that generates from an unhealthy balance of caffeine and sugar is not sustainable. I will pick the things I should not worry about and ruminate over them. For example – this weekend, Apollo was doing his meth puppy run around the living room when he stopped in front of my sofa. My sofa has just enough space between its bottom and the carpet for a puppy to crawl beneath. Apollo started doing exactly that.
I think I can approximate the noise that came from my mouth as something like, “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,” as if a steamroller were coming directly for my puppy. I froze, hands on my face, unable to move as my puppy wriggled underneath the sofa.
Meanwhile, Boyfriend said calmly, “Come on out, Apollo,” and Apollo did just that.
I felt stupid. What was I expecting? A lake of lava hidden underneath my couch that would consume my puppy? That the sofa would sprout spikes and trap him? If Apollo had enough room to wriggle underneath it, of course he’d be able to come out from under it.
I look to my brother as inspiration as how I want to approach my life. He is the complete opposite of me. Chill and easygoing, he always thinks positively about situations, even when facing personal disappointments. He abhors cynicism and strives for zen and balance.
It’s funny how our personalities are formed. Even as babies, our personalities were already set. Patrick was a calm, cheerful baby who slept through the night. According to my parents, I was a demon baby who cried all the time, who never wanted to go to sleep, who was up at all hours of the night. Patrick was the zen baby, while I was go-go-go infant.
Cutting out caffeine and sugar will be just one step for embracing a positive life.