Dear friend,
I’m sorry you are filled with rage. I do not understand why this rage translates into your desire to A. get into a wreck and B. a fatal one.
Wow.
Jenny
Things I’d Like to Tell a Facebook Friend #5
Reply
Category Archives: Open Letters
An Open Letter to All Drivers
If I am already driving 5 mph over the speed limit and you are behind me, tailgating me and throwing your arms around and otherwise acting like an exasperated bitch, I will go slower.
I won’t brake. I’ll just ease off the accelerator, and if we happen to come to a stop sign, I will sloooowly advance, look back and forth four to five times, and then roll away like molasses.
Seriously. Try it next time. I don’t care if you’re late. There are people who speed up under the pressure of an aggressive driver, and I am not one of them.
A Message to People Who Whistle for More Than Ten Consecutive Seconds:
No.
An Open Letter to the Person Who WON’T TURN OFF THEIR CAR ALARM OH DEAR GOD
To the person downstairs who owns the stupid SUV with the goddamn alarm:
SERIOUSLY?! You’d think you’d remove your alarm the FIRST TIME your car went crazy. WHY CAN’T YOU TURN YOUR CAR ALARM OFF LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? Good lord. Are you a CIA agent who lives in this building as a cover, and you are currently in Uzbekistan? Is that why you can’t walk downstairs and turn off your alarm? I don’t know what kind of life you lead, but some of us need a magical thing called SLEEP because we actually WORK for a living. WHAT A CONCEPT.
And if you were back in my hometown, your car would have been gutted thirty minutes ago and its parts would already be on its way to Mexico/your local garage sale. Just sayin’.
But seriously.
DEAR GOD.
PLEASE REMOVE YOUR CAR ALARM.
FOR THE GOODNESS OF MANKIND.
AND MY NECESSITY OF SLEEP.
FUCK.
Not sincerely,
Jenny
